A merry thought exchange. Featuring commentary and grammatically incorrect prose.---by Joe Weiner Email me jrweiner@yahoo.com

 
pee wee herman & mr. t.
posted by Joe at 11:11 PM

 

In the basement of the Alamo.
posted by Joe at 9:05 PM

 

Check out our friend Tim "Eater X" Janus at the Nathan's 4th of July Hotdog Eating Contest.

Noon ESPN.

And check out The Cos.






Rudy!
posted by Joe at 1:34 AM

 
I knew something seemed a little to familiar about each and every Nickelback song.

And I was right.
posted by Joe at 4:02 PM

 


Porn Star? Pedophile? No, just the Ostrich.
posted by Joe at 4:07 PM

 
Cool article. Quotes from yours truly.

http://www.courant.com/features/lifestyle/hce-failuretoleave0310.artmar10,0,6926466.story
posted by Joe at 12:25 PM

 
My lone gripe with James Frey.

Mr. Frey admits "names and identifying characteristics... were changed" in an effort to "to protect the anonymity" of those involved. Yet, when Mr. Frey wrote about speakers who came to the facility, he basically outs Steven Tyler (called him Mr. Lipps, or something), then proceeded to ridicule Tyler for embellishing tales of his drug use.

Pot. Kettle. Black.
posted by Joe at 8:32 PM

 
OK.

Take a look at this guy.

Now, tell me the use of what drug got him thrown out of the NBA.
posted by Joe at 8:35 PM

 
Our favorite topic.

Jim Calhoun in the john for the second half of the UCONN/Syracuse basketball game. Associate head coach George Blaney guides Connecticut to victory.

Clockwork.
posted by Joe at 11:05 PM

 
The Chappelle Theory. http://www.chappelletheory.com/

Bill "Serial Gropist" Cosby, Oprah and Louis Farrakhan conspire to shut down Dave Chappelle's The Chappelle Show. Not buying it.


posted by Joe at 1:38 PM

 

Thanks for everything Howard.
posted by Joe at 2:13 PM

 
Daddy Long Legs is the coolest name for an insect.

Daddy Warbucks is the coolest name for an adoptive parent.

Little Richard is the coolest name for a cross dressing musician.

Big Willie never did it for me.

And a Ba Ba Booey to y'all.
posted by Joe at 12:36 PM

 

A Joe Weiner exclusive: THE TEETH OF EATER-X.

posted by Joe at 12:39 PM

 
Rock star.
posted by Joe at 9:06 PM

 
"If God had wanted man to play soccer, He wouldn't have given us arms."--Coach Mike Ditka
posted by Joe at 6:44 PM

 

Joey Buttafuoco. Serving up Mr. Softee.

Picture courtesy of Molly Weiner.

posted by Joe at 8:28 PM

 
Denver may ease marijuana laws:

"There's no doubt that if people choose to use marijuana instead of alcohol we would not have the same number of problems," said Mason Tvert, the 23-year-old campaign organizer.

The argument has angered local officials.

"It's a deceptive and deceitful campaign," said Councilman Charlie Brown, who spent a recent Saturday night ripping the signs down from parks and medians where they are banned and throwing them in the garbage."Domestic violence is not on the ballot. Alcohol is not on the ballot. Marijuana is on the ballot."

No comment from Lucy or Pig Pen. An outraged Peppermint Patty reveals her entire outfit is made of hemp, further frustrating Mr. Brown.
posted by Joe at 2:45 PM

 
More Bruce Vilanch.
posted by Joe at 3:13 PM

 
Time to get a Sirius satellite radio.

Howard Stern, for better or worse (better in my opinion), is making the move from terrestrial radio to satellite beginning in January. Already his Sirius station, Howard 100 (or Douche 100, depending who you ask), is broadcasting some groundbreaking stuff. Yes, I'm talking about weighing 24 hours worth of High Pitch Eric's doodie on the air.

Prediction: XM and Sirius will merge within the next year. The subscription rates will be jacked up to somewhere near the latter's namesake. I'm thinking about locking in with a $499 life time pass.

Coming later this week: Jack - FM. I've devised a mathematical formula used to determine what song Jack will play next. I've got it boiled down to the genre and decade, now I need to work on the artist. The code will be broken like Joe Theismann's leg. Count on it.
posted by Joe at 2:41 PM

 

Ken Reeves, former Chicago Bull, averaged 6 points a game - Now the head coach at Carver High.
posted by Joe at 12:15 PM

 
Today in the chat room I started some trouble. I mentioned that Emerson Lake and Palmer are nearly as talented as Steely Dan.

Now, I don't actually believe this. ELP is rubbish.

Nothing really happened, as there were only 2 people on-line discussing the price of gas - but I'm beginning to think they're trying to ignore me.
posted by Joe at 11:56 PM

 
I've been informed that the Steely Dan chat room will be bananas when the new solo Donald Fagen album drops in January.

I spent 45 minutes determining if the new offering will be a concept album, like his other solo material. Next, I need to buddy up to "Alan" who claims to own a DVD of my first and only Dan concert - Hartford '96.

Also, I hear a crazy lady sometimes enters the chat room claiming to know Walter Becker, but I have yet to encounter her. "Alan" says she's sneaky.

Soon I will post some of these chats.
posted by Joe at 1:05 PM

 
I need to stop hanging out in Steely Dan chat rooms by myself. I need to come to terms with the fact that The Legion of Dan isn't internet savvy.

Or Steely Dan blows.

One or the other.
posted by Joe at 12:47 AM

 
"Trees" by Marty Casey. Best. Song. Ever.
posted by Joe at 8:07 PM

 
The smart money's on Marcel.
posted by Joe at 5:15 PM

 

Friends

posted by Joe at 2:57 PM

 
WARNING: This site can be viewed by anyone standing behind you.
posted by Joe at 3:30 PM

 
white people "find" http://news.yahoo.com/photo/050830/photos_ts_afp/050830071810_shxwaoma_photo1and

black people "loot"
http://news.yahoo.com/photo/050830/480/ladm10208301530
posted by Joe at 5:45 PM

 
Shout out to The Reptar, and his first world record.

I'm hoping to orchestrate an unsanctioned exposition for our 10-year high school reunion.
posted by Joe at 8:19 PM

 
File under: Not going to happen.

This guy goes to UCONN. The recipe for the perfect CT-style date is as follows:

Civic Center for a ( UCONN men's) basketball game, shopping at the Civic Center mall, hit the Whalers gift shop for a retro souvenir. Dinner at Subway.
posted by Joe at 2:01 PM

 
Gorillaz

Doing a "virtual tour".

I saw these guys a few years ago at the Avalon in Boston. They play behind a cartoon projection screen. I wasn't sure the band was actually in the building and playing behind the screen, as they sounded quite similar to their CD and played the hit single "Clint Eastwood' twice.

I recall shouting play Mr. Bob Dabalina!

I was twice the age of everyone there put together.

And some guy wore a shirt that read "Lorraine you are my density."
posted by Joe at 8:18 PM

 

posted by Joe at 6:02 PM

 
It never gets old.
posted by Joe at 6:50 PM

 
Arclight.

The joke's over.

After usher announces what movie is playing, and who directed said movie, it's no longer necessary to question "Was that worth the extra 6 bucks?"
posted by Joe at 5:20 PM

 
Gordon Ramsay, aka G Ram.

after brief discussion with my attorney we determined that my confidentiality agreement expired as of last night, and I can now discuss my "meal" from Hell's Kitchen.

The restaurant is on a stupid movie lot. I waited 4 hours for my meal, and didn't even get my ass on TV. The waiter was cordial. The other "customers" were looking for any reason to complain (I'm beginning to believe this was the cause of my national TV un-debut). I also sat too far away form the kitchen and couldn't see the cooking, or hear G Ram degrading his smock clad reality minions.

The food was nothing special. Emril Le Gasfactory is much better. BAM!

I'd prefer Chuck E. Cheese and Tom Carvel's master pie Fudgie the Whale for desert.
posted by Joe at 7:32 PM

 
Nothing is lamer than Ultimate frisbee. It's simply an excuse for the unathletic to lay claim to a "sport."
posted by Joe at 8:31 PM

 
Nobody hates a bogy more than Colin Montgomerie.

If Subway pitchman/latter day Richard Simmons Jared Fogel's tongue is removed - but he somehow effectively articulates the word "veggies" - would he still have a job?
posted by Joe at 12:57 PM

 
Winged freak terrorizes Gotham.

Bear holds small town hostage.
posted by Joe at 12:57 PM

 
Against all better judgement (and all that is sacred) Razor Reed went to a Dave Matthews concert. I though we were beyond such idiocity after our 1998 DMB concert experience at the New Haven Colesium.

Reed sold our extra ticket to a "Dave Head" who was pushing for a discount because of his fandom. No dice. I had to sit next to him wilst he toked commercial grade bud.

Anyway, this time the Gods weren't on Dave's side, as rain washed Reed directly into the beer tent, thus forcing him to miss the entire show. 'What Would You Say' was not played.
posted by Joe at 3:07 PM

 
Kudos to ESPN and the NY Post for giving comprehensive coverage to Tim "The Reptar" / "Eater X" Janus at the Nathan's hot dog eating championship in Coney Island.

Although he didn't win, Janus gave the viewing public a great look into the mind and vision of the competitive eater donning the "Eater X" helmet cam.

Tim also picked up the IFOCE rookie of the year trophy. Very cool.

Tom Cruise: Is nuts dot com.
posted by Joe at 3:29 PM

 
And then a midget pushes me through a revolving door.
posted by Joe at 7:14 PM

 
John Lithgow?

They changed the picture on me, but you get the idea.
posted by Joe at 2:23 PM

 
"You Don't Know How it Feels to be Reed"

Captain's Log: Friday June 24th. Tom Petty plays Hartford. My friend, "Razor" Reed Baldwin (or Reed 'The Razor" Baldwin) attended. We bet on what song Petty would open with. I said "Don't Come Around Here No More" or "Running Down a Dream."

During the set Reed called me. The opening song was "You Don't Know How It Feels (to be me)" which Reed called "You Don't Know How it Feels to be Reed" to which I responded It's "Me" - Not Reed.

I attemped to explain the astronomical odds that the song would actually be titled " You Don't Know how it Feels to be Reed." It might sound like Reed, but Petty's singing "me."

He wasn't having any of it, but I understood because I like to think Steve Miller's singing Joseph Weiner instead of "Jet Airliner" - although I realize that makes little sense in the context of the song. (On an unrelated note: I also like to think that in Kansas' "Wayward Son" they are singing "you will always remember, that the eagle has landeeeeeeeeeeeeeed!")

So, then I asked him to scream "Petty Rules!!!" No dice.

I asked him if Petty could win a beauty contest against Linda Tripp. This perplexed him. The he muttered something about The Black Crowes and mushrooms. Then he hung up.
posted by Joe at 2:56 PM

 
Bob Geldof is back and I'm already feeling queasy. Geldof, the Czar of self promotion is unleashing "Live 8" upon the world.

For those of you who don't recall Geldof, consider yourself lucky. He was the omni-present concert promoter who spearheaded 1985's Live Aid. You couldn't talk about the event without Geldof popping up and spoiling the "real" reason for "Live Aid:" to benefit starving African children.

He was so into himself he vowed never to promote another concert after the success of "Live Aid" (if you term success as Phil Collins playing two continents in less than 24 hours.......... I call it puke).

Well, he's back and a new generation will get to experience Geldof. Enjoy.

BTW his hair is still out of control.
posted by Joe at 5:39 PM

 
Hey everyone. I was doing some traveling in computer unfriendly zones.

Sang in front of the largest audience of my brief singing career. (Toto's 'Africa' for anyone interested) Finished after the first verse. I like going out on top.

Loving the L.A. June gloom.

Sadly, my beloved car actually died.

I am well aware that the 'In Her Shoes' trailer is running before 'Mr. and Mrs. Smith.' Thanks to everyone who called me regarding this.
posted by Joe at 1:54 PM

 
If Old Man River met Father Time, who would have a better chance of scoring Mother Nature?
posted by Joe at 7:31 PM

 
Yes, the new Weezer album Make Believe is unbelievable. I've promised not to rant out being the first on board with these guys back in 1994. BUT, I've seen them 6 times. Seen all three bass players live, and no, never met Rivers. Still working on that one.

After 11 years they make the cover of Rolling Stone and opened at #2 on the Billboard 200 chart - just behind Dave Matthews.

I went to one Dave Matthews' show, I must admit. Following the show during the post-party a "Dave -head" asked me what song of Dave's I liked best. I responded, "Of course, the smash hit single 'What Would You Say?'" I suppose that's like telling a dead-head that your favorite Greatful Dead song is "Touch of Gray" because they did a cool video for it. Anyway, the girl wouldn't talk to me the rest of the night. It was probably for the best.

File under Reptar.
posted by Joe at 3:17 PM

 
Sorry abou the lack of posts recently.

Actually. F that. I'm sorry for nothing.

I saw those losers standing on line for the Star Wars movie and I felt sad for them.

Episode I and II were busts as far as I'm concerned. No doubt III will be more of the same, unless Billy Dee Williams is somehow involved. But, I think I'd know if he's in it and since he's not, Episode III will rot.
posted by Joe at 8:41 PM

 
A little preview from tonight's festivities:

Dr. Phil: What in the hell gives you the right to leave obscene voice mails, which can later be transferred onto the internet for my children to hear?

Pat O'Brien: Well, Dr. Phil.

Dr. Phil: It's Dr. McGraw to you, drunk, whore loving coke fiend. (turning to the camera) That's tough love.

Pat O'Brien: I want to apologize to my family, friends, colleagues and fans, and try to move on.

Dr. Phil: Hold it right there, buster. Where's mom in all of this mess?

Pat O'Brien: My mom?

Dr. Phil: Uh huh.

Pat O'Brien: She really has nothing to do with...

Dr. Phil: And Dad?

Pat O'Brien: The rehab was about me. Me working out my problems.

Dr. Phil: Whoa,whoa, whoa. Now here's where you're wrong. It's this self-centered thought process that got you into this mess. You need to be chained up until you're prepared to wash out that potty mouth of yours, and get back to dishing Ben and Jen gossip.

Pat O'Brien: I'll be back on the Insider tomorrow...Check local listings.

Dr. Phil: Like hell you will. I've got a straight jacket and two very impatient orderlies waiting off stage to subdue your drunken ass when these here cameras stop rolling.

Pat O'Brien: But I'm clean. 46 days.

Dr. Phil: Back to the lying. Next thing you know you'll be tying Betsy into a gargantuan German pretzel, wearing women's undy-panties, and leaving obscene messages where my kids, MY KIDS, ears can hear them.

Pat O'Brien: I want to repent.

Dr. Phil: Sally Jesse left the biz 6 years ago, four-eyes. You're dealing with the big cat now. And when the big cat smells a rat we best be tasting cheese.

Pat O'Brien: What?

Dr. Phil: Yup. Now, lose the mustache; there's only room for one stash on TV, and I say that one prime time lip muppet is attached to this here face.
posted by Joe at 4:30 PM

 
I think the Korean women at my donut shop were discussing Jake and the Fat Man. Or, possibly, the Scarecrow and Mrs. King.

Definitely detectives, definitely 1980s, definitely not Murder: She Wrote.

Why was that Jessica Fletcher, a mystery writer by trade, always around (and solving) mysteries? That brings me to my final point; Angela Landsbury was the hottest +50 on woman TV until Rue McClanahan ripped the title from Angela's liver-spotted hands. Nasty.
posted by Joe at 4:17 PM

 
From bar to street to bookie.

Give someone on the OC a serious gambling problem (I'm talking game fixing here). Sure ratings. Brandon Walsh got advice dispenser/burger flipper Joe E. Tata's name in 90210's opening credits based simply on that story line.

In an unrelated note, I can't wait to pee on Ryan Seacreast's Hollywood Star. I'm sure plenty-o-homeless beat me to the punch.

I'm off to Mexico before Arnold closes the boarders. There's nothing I despise more than vigilante snipers.
posted by Joe at 1:56 PM

 
Perfume came naturally from Paris. Naturally. Because she couldn't care less.

I'm officially done with American Idol. I like my American Idols young and uncool - I'm talking to you Clay Aiken. I might like to hang out with Constantine, thus I turn Idol off.

Then, they put Hall and Oates in the audience, and don't even talk to them. I know Ba Ba Booey Oates is the Dunkleman to Hall's Seacreast, but come on, they're sitting right there. Pass the mic maybe they'll spell adult education or something.

Speaking of Seacreast, his noggin could be mistaken for an new planet. You could show a drive-in movie on his forehead, if he could iron out those darn wrinkles.

Tell me this, why does Paula have to be so sickeningly nice? I get it. She's Simon's foil, but I'm getting the impression that if I ran on stage and busted out Caribbean Queen she'd be drooling all over me. No joke. This brings me to my final point, why has no one done a Paula Abdul song? I suppose it's a problem locating an animated cat, or Arsenio Hall.

posted by Joe at 6:58 PM

 
A tradition unlike any other... (And our favorite springtime stuck-up tradition-besides the White House Easter egg hunt)

Lamenting the Great White Shark Greg Norman will not get into contention, and dramatically falter.
Bitch Tits Mickleson is serving lobster ravioli at the Champion's Dinner. I know what he's thinking: "The orange filling will look great smeared on green jackets after then annual Augusta food fight."

The spectators are patrons, not spectators. Roger, that.

First round prediction, thunderstorms. Final round prediction Jose Maria O-La-Tha-Bul. Tiger tamed, and Bitch Tits bra-ed.
posted by Joe at 3:50 PM

 
Johnnie Cochran Jr.

No one had him in MY death pool. Top answers on the board: Terry, The Pope, and Leslie Nielson.

Cochran, considered by some to be the man most responsible for my attending law school.

I grew a mustache, got into that mock courtroom and let some rhymes fly. He taught me all sorts of courtroom bravado that just didn't seem to fly with the supervising faculty. (It should be noted that the litigation involved some bankruptcy issue, and nothing really rhymes with foreclosing.)

I was like a gay man on Ibiza with the courtroom flamboyance, but more Chris Darden with the outcome.

For some fun after school reading, try www.stuckinrehabwithpatobrien.blogspot.com, then bury your face in your hands and cry.
posted by Joe at 6:37 PM

 
Ah, the mash up.

Mash Jay-Z and the Beatles "The White Album" you get the Gray Album. Genius.

Let's mash the Joe Namath/Suzy Kolber interview with the sleazy Pat O'Brien voicemails.
posted by Joe at 5:45 PM

 
I can no longer play guitar.

The new Weezer song 'Beverly Hills' is out, and it's pretty good - Rivers is back to his good old 'I'm the world's biggest loser' lyrics. I planned to watch them film the video at the Playboy Mansion, but I couldn't get on the grounds. (Where's Pauley Shore when you need him?)

So anyway, I'm looking forward to the album's release. The title is Make Believe and should be out in May.

I'm going to bite my tongue and not go into my whole thing about how Weezer is the only band from the 90s that matters anymore. Ok, Weezer and Candle Box.

If Mr. Mr. [sic] and Mr. Big squared off, my money's on Mr. Big.
posted by Joe at 5:47 PM

 
Ok, you got me. I picked UNC in my pool, and BC in my Final Four.

My heart's with UCONN, but my gut says Roy Williams.

Loving the Masters, Spring Break Shark Attack (brilliant stuff CBS) and Pepto Bismal commercials. Hating the Applebees commercial. (Chain joints are not "neighborhood" restaurants.)

In a Battle Royal of all 65 coaches, I'm picking Montana's Larry Krystkowiak.
posted by Joe at 4:53 PM

 
Calling all lawyers.

Can Jackson's defense offer the song 'The Girl is Mine" as proof that he's not into little boys?

Can the prosecution offer the song 'Bad' to show that MJ is, well, bad? 'Smooth Criminal?'

Is the song 'Leave Me Alone' relevant at all? How bout 'Dirty Diana?'

I met Mac Culkin once. DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO ADD CRAZY LARRY?
posted by Joe at 3:46 PM

 
What's the frequency Kenneth?

Someone. Tell me? What the friggin frequency Kenneth?

Rather not.

I didn't know until last night in the Rather retrospective that his assailant was captured - and he has "thing" against news.
posted by Joe at 12:35 PM

 
I love the new hit show on Fox - House.

The same thing happens every week; Someone comes down with a mysterious illness and House's team of over-acheiving underlings try in vain to solve the malady.

Meanwhile, House acts like a dick.

The underlings come up with a fool proof treatment. House is skeptical, sets the underlings up for failure, and acts like a dick.

The treatment inevitably fails, so House acts like an I-told-you-so dick.

The family of the patient becomes overly concerned. House dismisses their concerns... pops some pills, then acts like a dick.

Finally, the underlings put the clues together and save the patient. House demeans the underlings, takes the credit, and acts like a dick to everyone within earshot.

At some point during the show, House presses for further information with his SUPER catchphrase "If you don't tell me what I need to know ____ WILL DIE. "

Great stuff.
posted by Joe at 12:04 AM

 
My regrets to the law offices of Browning Telad and Kelmar.

It's unfortunate when you bind all of your marketing resources into a state of the art website. It must be further touture to have said website become infamous (not very famous, Chevy) overnight. Infact, it might push you to kill.

Well Mr. Browning, go ahead and forward your website to Google and HOPE it'll slip the watchful eyes of JOE WEINER. Not a chance.

Where should I forward my resume for that internship position now?

www.btk.com
posted by Joe at 8:44 PM